I am so nervous...

So whether or not I want her to , my niece is popping into the world and my life soon. Don't let that sentence fool you, I am SUPER excited at the mere suggestion of her. I am ready to see what she looks like, whose personality she will have, and how she will forge into this world. But I am also so nervous for her.

With such a diverse family (black, white, hispanic, native cherokee, you name it this child will be able to claim it) I hope she never sees adversity or bigotry, but I know she will. It's inevitable, just like it was for my brother, and just like it is for me. I am excited for her undoubtedly curly hair, which she will have in common with her mom and her aunt (great family trait on both sides). If her parents are any indication, she will be brave, unique, headstrong (or hard-headed in my big brother's case). But most of all, she will be LOVED.

That is something that my family has passed down from generation to generation. As a family, even if we didn't like each other, we still loved each other. That meant sticking up for each other. I can still remember my brother telling me how he stood up for me when someone I didn't even know was talking sh*t about me. At the time, I wouldnt even call my brother my friend. I often wonder if he knows how much he means to me. Even though I don't say it, I love you Roy.

And Alli, you are amazing to not only put up with my brother, but to love him as well. He can be rough to deal with sometimes (believe me I KNOW) but if you ever need anyone to elbow-check him, I have been working on my MMA moves and he won't know what hit him.

I guess this is my open letter to tell yall this much:

I love you and I can't wait for Marlee Zane!

And just like that....

it's all gone. Well I should stop being melodramatic and just say that my baby has been laid off. I am fighting anguish and heartbreak, but also trying to plan ahead by six months to know where we will land. We have a house, a dog, and a life that is far beyond this job loss, but with no means of secondary income, we could be facing inevitable separation. Not to mention the fact that she is not an American citizen, and I can't marry her to make her stay. I feel even more inadequate because I am the one in the house with the "job of dreams" and not the "job that pays bills". It's not like I can just pick up where she lacks and keep right on going.

We will figure it out, I am sure of it. But in the meantime, she will leave the country and I will mourn and be miserable for however long she is gone. The only good thing to look forward to is my niece in September, but my heart will be in another country. So to those who see me everyday, lo siento. I will not be the happy go lucky girl I usually am, but don't forget I'm in the room....

Wow.....

So I finally gave in. I read the entire Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer and I bought the movie. I must say I am absolutely FASCINATED by the series and strangely enough can relate to the main character, Bella. So the second movie comes out the day after my birthday this year (I call that kismet) and I am waiting on a certain someone (She knows who she is...) to finish reading the first and second book so that we can go see it together.... Anyone else want to join us?

haiku

love between us is
speech and breath. Loving you is
a long river running.

Beautiful line....

It can only end once. Everything before that is progress.

Remember those walls I built? They've come tumbling down...

Why do we build walls? We build walls around our hearts and our minds, and for what? All that happens is that someone knocks them down, we get scared, and have to learn to love all over again. No I am not talking about just a romantic relationship. I am talking about every relationship. In every friendship I have, I reach a point where I have to consciously choose to drop my barriers and truly let someone in past my normal everyday "facade". 

For instance, I joined Facebook finally. Now with something like Facebook, for me most people fit into three categories:

1.   I never wanted to see them again

2.   I am already friends with you so facebook doesn't matter ..... or....

3.   I am glad facebook exists because I found you again after losing touch

(disclaimer:   if you are reading this, you are not the first category on that list)

I have to learn to let the last category back into my life again. I am usually an open book, meaning I don't hold back (unless it is with my bosses) and If you ask me about something, I will give you an honest answer (for the most part, i.e. see the previous boss bit). Most say I am a little too open. But even I have to put aside those walls we automatically build from everyone else. 

I guess what I am getting at is that I have to appreciate the small things in life. For instance, I just reconnected with a REALLY good friend that I shouldn't have let get out of touch ( you know who you are, crazy ass!) and it has put me in a solidly good mood for 4 days now. I should be still bitching about my mp3 player being stolen from work last week, but here I am smiling because of this connection with my not-so-distant-and-pretty-happy past. And the best part of it all is this friend never really knew how much she meant to me, so now I get a second chance at telling her what a great person and great friend she is.... 

Shit...Never sleep on second chances!

The lesson...:

Don't be afraid to continually connect. You will be surprised at what you find out, both about others and about yourself. 

Is it just mother's day or what?

So for the last three days I have been having dreams about having a child. I don't know what that is about. It could be that my terrific sister (in law) is expecting my first niece. It could be that I sent off three, yes three, mother's day cards to my mom. I don't know what the hell it is but it is really fuckin me up right now. I am buying clothes for my niece and shit, and all it makes me want to do is have a son. I don't even know if I would make a good mom. A part of me has always felt kids where in the cards for me, and a part (larger) of me has always felt that it just wasnt meant to be. I don't like everything it would take to get pregnant, but if I were to get pregnant, it would be a beautiful experience. I bitch too much to have a child right now anyway, as most everyone knows about me. And morning sickness (and sickness of all pregnancy kinds) runs in my family. You should hear the stories my mom says. 

So I think if we wanted to keep my baby in the country ( and I dont mean my offspring) I think we should impregnate me with her egg. That would solve all the problems in my world right now.... What do you think?

I am consumed....

Strollers are my thing now. I am searching for that stroller that makes my niece the most comfortable, and I think I have found it. I am SO excited to be an aunt. I bought some clothes for her this weekend. 

With eyes wide open

I let go of my weak core

and fly on stretched wing

Haiku

love is  regrets lost

repose my gloomy scorned soul

I can breathe again.