One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

I am a little concerned. Okay, ALOT concerned. Have you ever felt like you have taken one step forward and been slapped two steps back by life? I am working on me this year. Which poses the question I was asked by someone this week: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change?

Why oh why can't my hair look like this?

One Day...

So, I just finished watching the movie One Day with Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess. I must say I didn't expect to be crying, hugging my dog, trying to find my cell phone to tell my love that she is everything to me. Alas, this is where I am. Which leads me to some interesting changes happening in my life. I am trying to figure out how to be happy. And I don't mean the medicated, static, I should be happy just because type of feeling. I mean TRULY happy. The type of happy that is indescribable. I feel it when I am singing, when I am with my love, but everything else is somewhat... blah.

I am so proud....

Ok so I haven't been keeping up with this thing, but I have a lot to update.

So the bad news first:

December 7, 2009: I was in a car accident. It wasn't as major as it could have been. I was very lucky. My car was totaled though so I am in the process of finding/buying a new car. The worst thing was my back was injured and I had to go to physical therapy for about 5 weeks. The great thing about physical therapy is that he helped me to figure out a few things physically. I apparently have scoliosis. I am terribly knock-kneed, which if you know me you know that already. He introduced me to the Wii Fit Plus, which I will eventually have to buy one. It was interesting to see how my balance and my feet really need work. But overall I really am glad I had to do physical therapy. It helped me tremendously.

There is a very high chance that I am diabetic and have been for many years. My doctor has me keeping a close eye on my glucose levels and reporting to him on a regular basis. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Good News:

My girlfriend came back and we are getting our lives back on track. We will be ok, once we find her a job and get her back in school to get her Master's degree. I even think after her master's is done, I will get my bachelor's finished and switch careers. Its close to time for us to start thinking seriously about having a kid.

My niece is healthy and growing so fast, but its awesome to see pictures of her and I think I will try to make it for her first birthday this year. That will give me some motivation and something to work towards in September. My mom and I are on interesting terms, but I don't want to venture into that.

I am not my hair....

I am not your expectations, no....

My hair is really important to me, so I have decided to take care of it in the best way possible. Why is hair so important to me? African American women have spent over 300 years trying to fit into the world around us. Every black girl I know has a hair story and they all include some serious lows in our lives. My hair literally, like a lot of black girls, started to fall out. When I decided to chop my hair off, my mom was NOT thrilled. She was angry, embarassed, and distraught. And it was all about perception. The weird thing is that when you look at pictures of her in the 1970's, her hair was ALL natural. HUGE afro. But my hair being natural was a shameful thing to her. I do believe that was not what was shaming her. Her problem was with my sexuality. But that is another blog at another time...

I then cut my hair off in 2001. I just made the decision and had a girl in my dorm just chop it off. I actually have been ok with it every since, but it is still not as healthy as I want it to be. So this set in motion a course of events that bring me to my current goal: to get my hair to grow three inches by my birthday in 2010. So that D-Date is November 19, 2010. 3 inches! I know it will be hard, but I truly believe if I start taking care of my hair and protecting it from the elements, it WILL grow. I can remember my hair growing ultra fast for the first year after cutting it off. It grew probably 4 inches, but since then it really hasn't grown more than 2-3 inches longer than that initial 4 inches. So today starts my hair journey. I will highlight the products and methods I will use over the next year. My goal is to take a picture once a week every week. Intermittenly, I will also be making videos to post on my hair progress. I am also jointly doing a health progress with this. I, starting today, will limit my intake of bad calories and replace it with good calories.

So lets get started!

I am so nervous...

So whether or not I want her to , my niece is popping into the world and my life soon. Don't let that sentence fool you, I am SUPER excited at the mere suggestion of her. I am ready to see what she looks like, whose personality she will have, and how she will forge into this world. But I am also so nervous for her.

With such a diverse family (black, white, hispanic, native cherokee, you name it this child will be able to claim it) I hope she never sees adversity or bigotry, but I know she will. It's inevitable, just like it was for my brother, and just like it is for me. I am excited for her undoubtedly curly hair, which she will have in common with her mom and her aunt (great family trait on both sides). If her parents are any indication, she will be brave, unique, headstrong (or hard-headed in my big brother's case). But most of all, she will be LOVED.

That is something that my family has passed down from generation to generation. As a family, even if we didn't like each other, we still loved each other. That meant sticking up for each other. I can still remember my brother telling me how he stood up for me when someone I didn't even know was talking sh*t about me. At the time, I wouldnt even call my brother my friend. I often wonder if he knows how much he means to me. Even though I don't say it, I love you Roy.

And Alli, you are amazing to not only put up with my brother, but to love him as well. He can be rough to deal with sometimes (believe me I KNOW) but if you ever need anyone to elbow-check him, I have been working on my MMA moves and he won't know what hit him.

I guess this is my open letter to tell yall this much:

I love you and I can't wait for Marlee Zane!

And just like that....

it's all gone. Well I should stop being melodramatic and just say that my baby has been laid off. I am fighting anguish and heartbreak, but also trying to plan ahead by six months to know where we will land. We have a house, a dog, and a life that is far beyond this job loss, but with no means of secondary income, we could be facing inevitable separation. Not to mention the fact that she is not an American citizen, and I can't marry her to make her stay. I feel even more inadequate because I am the one in the house with the "job of dreams" and not the "job that pays bills". It's not like I can just pick up where she lacks and keep right on going.

We will figure it out, I am sure of it. But in the meantime, she will leave the country and I will mourn and be miserable for however long she is gone. The only good thing to look forward to is my niece in September, but my heart will be in another country. So to those who see me everyday, lo siento. I will not be the happy go lucky girl I usually am, but don't forget I'm in the room....

Wow.....

So I finally gave in. I read the entire Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer and I bought the movie. I must say I am absolutely FASCINATED by the series and strangely enough can relate to the main character, Bella. So the second movie comes out the day after my birthday this year (I call that kismet) and I am waiting on a certain someone (She knows who she is...) to finish reading the first and second book so that we can go see it together.... Anyone else want to join us?

haiku

love between us is
speech and breath. Loving you is
a long river running.

Beautiful line....

It can only end once. Everything before that is progress.